


Riv i Hjertet

by thebriars



Series: Eleven Voices [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Breakup pain yay, M/M, Song Lyrics, im aromantic idk how to write romance, uuuuugggggh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2017-06-28
Packaged: 2018-11-20 13:58:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11336922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebriars/pseuds/thebriars
Summary: Based on the song "Riv i Hjertet" by Sondre Justad.John's numb and he starts to question it all.





	Riv i Hjertet

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER
> 
> The original lyrics and the song belong to the amazing Sondre Justad and NOT ME. I just translated to the best of my abilities and applied it to this story. Also, i skipped a bit of the second chorus because i'm a lazy mf

_If I knew that I was going to die soon_

_Would I be content_

_With the way I’m living?_

John’s spot on the fire escape gave him an unrivaled view of New York. The sparkling lights and geometric skyline was a welcome change from the rolling hills of South Carolina. He’d lean back with his head against the brick wall and watch the traffic below trickle through the streets. He was happy here, but he wanted more.

 

_Nothing affects me_

_And no one can get to me._

He wanted to trust Alexander, with his soulful eyes and firework personality, but John didn’t want to fall so hard again. So, he wouldn’t let Alex into his heart, no matter how much it hurt them both.

 

_It’s been an eternity since I’ve been close to someone._

First his father, then Francis, and then Alexander. They’d all broken John’s heart and his mind. It had been too long since something had worked out. John wiped away tears and sat on the fire escape, pretending as always.

 

_I refrain from speaking; I refrain from doing._

John pressed on, his pencil shaking against his sketchbook and his acrylic lines crooked. He was breaking, slowly, and he knew it. Herc and Laf brought ice cream and old movies, but this wasn’t just another breakup. But, John wouldn’t let them know how much this hurt him.

 

_I refrain from showing, I refrain from feeling._

Eventually, it all became numb. John kept smiling, as usual. He sketched another man with thick, dark hair and burgundy eyes filled with wisdom. He painted another broken heart out across a canvas. But he didn’t care.

 

_I have felt much more alive before._

John had felt the sparks of life when he was with Alexander. The city seemed to breathe beneath his feet and the colors seemed to leap from the page when Alex was with him. They complimented each other so perfectly that it was almost sinful. They could’ve been soulmates, if John believed in that sort of thing. Now that Alex was gone, everything felt drab.

 

_I want to know that I’m living, want to know that my heart is tearing._

It would be better if John could just feel the pain and the heartache, but it was too familiar.

 

_Give me something that matters._

Alex had mattered so much. Much more than Francis or his father. The pain should matter too, but it didn’t.

 

_Something I truly believe in._

The art used to matter too. John used to have so many passions. Maybe this last heartbreak had been too much. He felt like he was walking through a nightmare, not quite awake but knowing what it felt to _be_ awake.

 

_I want to know that I’m living, want to know that my heart is tearing._

John was floating just beneath the water, the bubbles hovering above his face and the sunlight streaming in, but he couldn’t claw out. He needed to breathe and he couldn’t.

 

_That my heart is tearing._

It was wrong not to feel anything, and John knew that. What was his problem? Why couldn’t he swim to the surface?

 

_The days pass over into each other, everything is just the same._

He went to class. He went to work. He hung out with Herc and Laf and texted constantly with the Schuylers. He drew threw the night, his pencil moving of its own accord. His hands grew stained with graphite and his headphones seemed like a permanent part of his body. The only thing missing was John’s senses and Alexander.

 

_I fill up, fill up, but can’t catch what’s happening._

He stopped checking the news because every headline reminded him of Alexander’s senseless rants. He stopped paying attention and merely sunk in on himself.

 

_Am I in the right place? Am I hanging with the right people? And what am I really doing?_

John looked around New York and saw people thriving. He shouldn’t be here.

He saw the Schuyler’s success and the joy in their eyes. He was only bringing them down.

He saw the piles of unsold art in the corner of his room. He was turning into what his father warned him of.

 

_Let me love._

_Let me cry._

_Let me see._

_Let me react._

_Wake me up so I can live._

_Wake me up so I can live._

_I want to be present._

_I want to be present._

John sat on the fire escape, watching the city before him pulse with the energy of millions of lives.

 

_I know there is something more._

He’d been looking for something more in New York and something more in Alexander. Was there anything else for him out there?

 

_I want to know that I’m living, want to know that my heart is tearing._

John’s numb heart faltered in the face of the sheer scale of human genius. This city was built from the hopes and dreams of others. This country- this world- had spent eternity inheriting dreams from our ancestors.

And now he stood at the edge, the abyss of uncertainty stretching out endlessly. The dark seemed to grab at him, taking bits of his mind as the winds whipped his soul.

Yet John couldn’t feel it.

_That my heart is tearing._

**Author's Note:**

> the original song is in Norwegian and you should go check out all of Sondre's songs because he rocks my world. 
> 
> I feel bad about hurting john even more (i seem to do that a looooot)


End file.
